My Lotus Pond...

Dear Manish,
Happy Birthday ! This one is dedicated to you.

I don’t want to be a banker dad...I shouted

Outraged i slammed the door and stormed to the lotus pond, where I immediately felt at peace

And the last few months, I saw myself spending time at the pond, more than ever

An escape or a sincere effort to find solace I knew not


One thing was sure - the plans made by my parents charting my future were definitely not mine.

Neither being a banker and definitely not marrying a boy chosen by my father

My dreams and aspirations were still cooking and the passion in my heart was feeding it

Far from seeking security, my dreams seeked passion and truth, Arish felt the same and that’s why we clicked, another reason my parents were not so pleased with me.

I wondered if i was really their child, my dreams began where their worries started and though i treaded that path cautiously where i skillfully managed to keep my family happy,

There was a shift when i turned 17yrs,

Too old to be a child, too young to be an adult,

Too sure of what i didn’t want but not so sure of what i wanted,

Turning 17 was not easy, not when you come from a traditional Indian family where everyone specially your parents know what you need to be doing, what you need to be wearing, how you need to be behaving specially with "boys"

Mumbai was my city of dreams, i convinced my father that i would pursue banking just the way he wanted & marry the boy of his choice (fingers crossed), only if he let me go to Mumbai,
He agreed and i was out before he realized what he had done…

Mumbai was fun, it was crazy, it was intense but my ego under the garb of self respect- tortured me endlessly

I found no rest, no sense of belonging, no close friends, no sense of pride & the worst was no sense of humor- just an over blown Ego & me that’s it

My “self-respect” wouldn’t allow me to call home as much as i wanted even if i missed mum and dad

The security i took for granted, strengthened by my father’s angst and mums concern back home left a big void in me...

Also i had no one to fight with authority,

No one to prove my dreams to

No lotus pond to run to

Here i was as much on my own as i was in my dreams

Consumed by fear of failure and overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the city i saw myself doubting my talents and intuition - which i once considered my strength

However, nature had a way to catch up and ground me…

So here goes A fierce encounter with some urchins on street threw me from my slumber,

I was drawn to them, with intensity, for reasons I cannot explain
I was as vulnerable as the street kids, maybe different in appearance but lost, i thought, i was nurturing guilt & sympathy in magnanimous proportions, i felt like the urchins - seeking for a sense of security, desperately trying to find my solace

Consumed myself in this intellectual rambling I was jerked to reality - a reality that was hard to ignore, as much as I was looking for reasons to sympathize, their laughter and utter sense of freedom in expression, as they fought and rolled in dirty streets was an irony - their being and their being,
Though far from being presentable they seemed to be at peace, their laughter hitting me on the face like waves of the ocean, at that moment as i stood surrounded by the filthiest filth, 
just then and there, immersed in their unbound joy & laughter
 my intellect just shut up

and all sympathy was replaced by wonder,


Guilt washed away by acceptance 

and i broke into such a fit of laughter, even the urchins were surprised, but they just let me be, maybe they understood, maybe they knew...it was a moment of pure bliss

And as i relaxed oblivious to the filth, the stench, the street dwellers…i melted into just me

i found my lotus pond…

Love

Shilpa

Image source : Google Images